oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
