K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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