I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
