I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
