i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
