I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
