yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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