i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
