i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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