Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Bring me that man meat
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
