Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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