My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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