he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
