Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
