By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
