Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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