Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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