Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
