Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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