Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
