just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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