Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize