I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
