That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize