hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
