margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
