I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
