Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
