Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
