my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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