I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
