I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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