she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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