How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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