Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
