i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
