you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
