Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
