I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize