you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
