he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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