Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
