I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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