"it" just moved
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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