why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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