I hate your face
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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