I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
