i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
