he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
