how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
