I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
