i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
