I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize