Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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