Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
