In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
