Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
