Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize