I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
