He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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