you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
