My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
