I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
