do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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