About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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