hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
