you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
