i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
