Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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