Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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