He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
