I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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