Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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